Thoughts on the future

Well...my first semester as a senior has passed and a lot has changed. I'm all set to go to the States next summer as i've completed all my applications. The TOEFL and my second SAT this January are only supplements just in case I need them. My first SAT score of 2080 is already good enough to impress most universities, but if i could just lift my Math score to above 700 i would be irresistable hahaha. I'm working hard on school of course, the final major events being the thesis(which i want to finish as soon as possible!) and the final exam as always. So if i can finish my thesis early it would be so much easier on me this year.

It's really a time to focus on my future and the long term benefits of my actions, but i feel relaxed now that my applications are complete. With that, i really really want this Christmas holiday to be as fruitful as possible. I'm so gonna exercise a lot and i'm totally NOT gonna play games. At all. Well, at least i'll try not to. I usually fail but i'll try harder this time. I'm totally gonna make a schedule and i don't feel like going on holidays. I wanna stay home and WORKKK. I wanna impress my peers when i come back! I wanna impress the girls i liek hehehe. No harm in that, eh?

Summa: Where Can We See God's Love and Care for Us?

God's love and care for us is ubiquitous in all of His creation. Everything that we see is His creation. Everything around us -- the blue sky above us, the Earth that we stand on, the blazing sun at day time, the moon at night time, the distant twinkling stars, the trees and the animals and the people, everything! -- is the creation of God. Everything that we cannot see is also the creation of God -- from the most distant galaxies to the smallest atoms. We ourselves are created by God and our experiences are created by God. Out of all of this we can see His love and care for us.

In everything that we see we can see purpose. Nothing that we see appears to be a mistake or an accident. Everything has a purpose for its existence. God created every single one of His creations for a purpose and this demonstrates His love and care for His creation. Likewise, no living human being was created accidentally or mistakenly. Even if a person is considered as an "accident" by his own parents or by his society, he is not considered as an accident by God. God created every human being with a purpose and this demonstrates His love and care for us

In everything that we see we can see order and complexity. For example, the Earth that we live on is precisely designed for life to be sustainable. Even one miniscule change to its size, position, or angle would render life unable to be sustainable. All the natural processes of the Earth -- photosynthesis, the nitrogen cycle, respiration, and many more -- create the exact mix that life needs to prosper. Everything outside the Earth -- the moon, the Sun, the stars, etc -- contributes to the Earth's sustainable life. In our own bodies there is so much order and complexity that even now our scientists cannot fully comprehend how some functions like yawning, dreaming, or blushing work. Our bodies are His masterpieces and we can see that God was very meticulous in the creation of all of His creation. God created everything just right so that we, His most precious creation, could live on a paradise and glorify His name. This definitely demonstrates God's love and care for us.

The sheer amount of purpose, order, and complexity that is ubiquitous in nature shows to us that creation is no accident. There is no way that all of the intricate details that we see in nature could be an accident. Order cannot come from disorder. Life cannot come from non-life. Nothing comes from nothing (ex nihilo nihil fit). However, we see order, we see life, and we see substance. Therefore, there must be an all-powerful being that transcends space and time. There must be a being that is eternal -- never created and never destroyed. That being must be extremely intelligent to be able to design everything with such order and complexity. That being must be living to be able to create life. That being is God. Just for us, this omnipotent and eternal being became human and died for our sins so that we may live and have eternal life with Him. When God sent His only begotten Son Jesus to the cross of Calvary to save our souls from Hell and grave and resurrected on the third day, this is the ultimate demonstration of God’s love and care for us. “It's God who creates, God who delivers, God who heals and God who is worthy of a thunderous ovation of praise.”

Caramel

Lina è la donna dei miei sogni. Lei è il mio primo amore e io la ammiro molto. Lei mi spinge a diventare un uomo migliore, soprattutto nella zona di fiducia, socializzazione, e la spiritualità. La sua voce è angelica e ogni volta che vedo cantare mi innamoro di lei tutto daccapo. Lei è anche bella, ma è quello che c'è al suo interno che conta. Lei è fiducioso, maturo, e amichevole per citarne solo alcune delle sue qualità. Lei è performer naturale con buone doti di leadership, è buona con i bambini, ama la sua famiglia, ed è vicino a Dio.. Ho scritto altre poesie e ballate su di lei rispetto a qualsiasi altra ragazza ed è improbabile che io scrivo come molte poesie per qualsiasi altra ragazza. Purtroppo, raggiungendo a lei è come raggiungere le stelle. Non siamo mai stati buoni amici e probabilmente non sarà mai soprattutto dopo le mie azioni immaturi.

Cependant, Amy est mon ami. Contrairement à Lina, nous avons eu des conversations. Nous avons passé du temps ensemble. Nous avons ri ensemble. Nous avons aidé les uns les autres dans des trucs école. Le temps que j'ai passé avec elle est précieuse pour moi. Je n'ai pas tomber en amour avec elle au début, mais que notre amitié a grandi, j'ai commencé à être très attiré. Alors que Lina est comme cet ange dans le ciel inaccessible, Amy est comme la terre à terre girl-next-porte. Il me rend si heureuse quand elle me parle avec sa voix mignonne et me sourit avec son visage adorable. Ce sont ces petites choses qui ont obtenu me accro à elle. Une journée sans une interaction avec son semble juste incomplet et j'étais prêt à faire des choses vraiment stupides pour un peu d'interaction.Tout ce que je veux, c'est simplement de maintenir l'amitié avec Amy, mais il est vraiment difficile quand les sentiments prendre le chemin de l'amitié. J'ai fait ma part des choses stupides qui nous ont fait inconfortable. Je suppose que c'est pourquoi les gens disent que les sentiments de vous faire faire des trucs stupides que vous regretterez. Infatuation est une chienne.
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Quote from Status Explanation

"I know that I am a student in high school who should focus on his studies. It's not like I am flirting or anything lol I'm more mature than that! I know that both of us are not mature enough to try to do anything funny. We are all still in the process. I am in the process of being able to truly love someone :)

"I know that high school is a place for friendship. Even though speaking and making friends doesn't come natural to me, I have pushed myself so hard this year. It might give me some awkward moments, but everyone had to go through them at some point in life. I am just experiencing it a lot later than others. What's important is that I keep up my self-CONFIDENCE, something I have lacked so much.

"So it's not only about liking a girl, it's about my own character development. She is more of an inspiration and an example to me than just a simple high school crush. I ain't a playboy nor am I a perv; I'm just a man trying to find my destiny.

"I know that every good thing comes from you, God. I know that this experience will shape me even further to be the man you want me to be. Amen."

Ballads #5

I told myself I shouldn't take

this love so seriously

Then why, oh why, for goodness's sake,

I'm acting so silly?

Oh, when she's here, I have a blast

She lights my every day

But if I rush and go too fast,

I know she'll run away

I feel that she's my heart and soul

My love will have no end

But I require self-control

to just be her good friend

Ballads #4

Here are some of my old ballads that have been irrelevant for many months and only recently have become relevant again.
The first one might sound like I frequently fall in love, but actually I don't. It is just for the sake of the rhymes. The part about a wedding ring too.
The last one says something about a chase, I'm not really chasing her. Again, only for the sake of rhymes.

I think I fell in love again
with yet another girl
But this time she's a closer friend
Her beauty makes me twirl.

Her leadership and kind of heart
inspires me a lot
Her character is such an art
Her goodness can't be bought

I've tried so hard to do the thing
that's hard for me to do
'Till I'll give her a wedding ring
and say "I love you too"

Oh, every time I see her face
It makes me feel happy
It makes me feel she's worth the chase
Though my charm is crappy

Easter Holiday Plans

Ok so for this year's Easter holiday, I am going to make some plans that will help me be a better person. These goals aren't nearly as descriptive and ambitious as last year's, but hey, i barely fulfilled last year's goals so i figure i'll try a more simple and practical approach. God help me.

Health:

1. Exercise in the Naval Compound twice a week (includes running and swimming).

2. Jog around my neighborhood and do pushups and situps (starting with 30 per day increasing by 10 every week).

3. Drink 3 litres of water and eat a fruit a day (obvious)

Spiritual:

1. Follow my Canonical Bible Reading plan on my iPhone before I sleep.

Academics:

1. Do one of my homework per day until I finish

2. Study for Cambridge, which means trying to do the PDF's. If i run into a question and I don't get, I open my Cambridge book, find the appropriate chapter, and do the exercises in that chapter. For Math, I need to bring my questions to my tutor after I try them.

Hobby:

1. Do vocal exercises every day

2. Music practice? Nah, i think i need to sacrifice my music in favour of my grades.

So the basic schedule of every day will be as follows:

1. I wake up (preferably at 7-8ish) and immediately do half of my pushups and situps and after that I try to jog two kilometres.

2. I take a bath and eat.

3. I start my homework and after that I study Cambridge.

4. The sooner I get my studying done, the sooner I can play until bedtime.

5. Before I sleep, I read my Bible on my iPhone.

6. If I exercise in the Naval Compound, no studying. :)

-Yugi

Dilemma

I am currently facing a dilemma that had actually been plaguing me since i was little. Of course, this dilemma is about my attitude and personality. This dilemma is centred on the difference between self-security and stubbornness. As everyone knows, I am a very quiet person who only talks when I feel that it is necessary. It might be okay in classes, but it feels weird when I'm out of class where I'm supposed to just let loose. It's hard for me to let loose especially when we're in a group. I might be loose when I am close with every single person in the group, but if even one person in the group is someone I don't know well, I become passive. As a result, it is hard for me to find good friends just by talking to them. They say that laughter is the shortest road to friendship, but I just can't crack jokes that aren't sarcastic. They only laugh at my clumsiness. I feel socially awkward. How can I make friends if all I do around people is be polite, smile, and answer questions? I ask questions myself, but they usually never go anywhere and I only ask in private. I feel like I treat everyone like my boss; so rigid, so formal, even when it is not appropriate for such attitudes. Now, are all these things part of my personality and I should be secure with myself being like this? Or are all these things bad habits that needs to be eradicated from my life as soon as possible? I've been like this for almost 10 years, so had I been secure with my quiet personality for all this time? Or had I been too stubborn to change into a better person? If I keep this attitude up, how can I live in this world? How can I bear itching everyday to join a conversation yet feeling uncomfortable being myself? What is being myself? Who am I supposed to be like? Is my quietness who I am or is it a product of some past wound? Self-identity crisis? This is my dilemma.

Stuff on my mind right now

Homeworks -- especially JOURNALS! Others are easy shit.

Studying -- I strive to be a scientist so I really have to work hard on my math and chemistry! Bio easy lah

Cambridge -- I'm really not sure if I should prioritize school or Cambridge. If I prioritize school, then what was the use of signing up for Cambridge? It would be a waste of money. The same goes for if I prioritize Cambridge; why should I stay in MSA? Ironic, this was what mom suggested earlier last year but I was too attached to MSA to leave :/ Cambridge opens more doors for me than MSA does, but still....

SAT/ACT -- With school and Cambridge keeping me busy, I practically have no time to even open my books on them. Sure my aim is to go to USA, but Commonwealth countries aren't bad. Besides, I think that the curriculum is pretty similar so the stuff I learn from Cambridge could be useful for my SAT/ACT. Still, I need to worry about my immediate obstacles before I can even think about this.

Keeping track of the bastards who keep on borrowing stuff from me -- pretty self-explanatory

Not misplacing my belongings -- Okay, this thing is becoming such a nuisance that it is unbearable. At the time of writing this, I have lost my math homework book and my calculator. I hate how some of my stuff just seem to literally disappear into thin air. It's like I'm under a curse or something. It's sorcery. This really disrupts the efficiency of my studies, so I have to prioritize on stamping this bad habit out of my life ONCE AND FOR ALL. Hopefully.

Social life -- You know what they say, you can't have good grades, a good social life, and a good sleep at the same time. Right now, I'm sacrificing this part of my life so that I can get good grades and a good sleep. Who cares if people see me to be going back into my shell? I'm gonna be successful with our without them. Still.....i need to be nice to people. I need to radiate joy etc etc blablabal. I also gotta put others before myself blablablabla.... -_-

Spiritual life -- NEED TO FOCUS ON THIS!!! Dammit! I always fall asleep before I get to read my Bible. My spirit is thirsty.....

Health -- Simple but always on my mind. Always finish my catering meals. Drink 3litres of water a day. Eat a fruit a day. Do not skip meals. Do not forget vitamins.

Exercise -- I need to be fit, especially in preparation for the upcoming Sports Day. Daily morning jogging? Daily pushups, sittups, and footwork activities? Daily stretching? So many plans but none of them are consistently followed yet. NEED! Of course, my main aim is to keep my body (temple of God) healthy, but being able to show off my fitness is a welcomed bonus. I need to practice badminton so that I won't embarrass myself and be at least decent. I need to practice swimming in case I'm forced to swim. I'll sekalian mention chess here even though it's out of context. Yeah, I need to practice chess everyday to beat EDWINT! :)

Music -- I seriously have no time for this anymore. People consider my ability to play the clarinet and saxophone to be my unique ability and that somewhat gives me a little confidence. However, I'm not THAT good in these instruments. I never practice regularly anymore, so how can I claim this to be a talent of mine? I have time to play my handful of songs on the piano though. I'm not too worried about this cause I don't plan to be a musician. Maybe when I'm older I can get back at them.

Vocal -- Whether I like it or not, I have reached a point where I have to sing in public more than once a week. Therefore, I NEED to be faithful in my vocal exercises as well as keep my body healthy so that my vocal chords are also healthy. The thing is, vocal exercises give me confidence. I do not feel that I can sing well if I have neglected my exercises for more than one week. I also have a strange tendency to eat before a performance because I feel that my voice after a meal is nicer (because it doesn't crack on bridges).

Praise and Worship Team -- In continuation with the above, I am involved in both the school and church worship team. In school, I am now the main male backup singer (as Paul got suspended) so a lot of pressure falls on me to sing loud. The problem is, I don't feel comfortable singing loud. First because of my natural shyness. Second because my voice tends to crack if I sing loud. As I progress in my vocal exercises, I hope to one day control these more effectively. The same goes for my church service, except that my voice is well hidden under other strong male singers so I feel slightly more comfortable there. And no, I did not join to get closer to "her". This is not about her, this is about God.

Games -- It's still here. I know that I should forget about these and focus on my studies but I am still able to squeeze time out of my day to play some games. The thing is, I have so many pending games to try out! I'm curious! These include Assassin's Creed, Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon, I-Ninja, and many more. Tetris Battle deserves a mention here. It's so addicting! You know what they say, once a gamer always a gamer.

CW -- No matter how hard I try to deny it, It's still here. No matter how much I try to suppress myself, I still think about her everyday. What used to be happy thoughts a year ago has turned mostly into regrets now. What I did was not right. It was stupid. It hurt both of us and helped no one. I really want to apologize, but should I? Would it be creepy? I keep on telling myself that I'm over her, but my heart still aches when I see her face. I have been telling myself that I want to be her friend, but the more I think about it, I don't think that we are compatible even to be friends. But then again, what was the relationship before I started going crazy? We used to be friends, right? We hung out together, we went karaokeing, she went to my birthday. Sigh. I am still filled with guilt everytime I see her. Maybe I should be bold and just get it over with and confront her. But I'm too cowardly for that right now. THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION IN CHRIST. FORGET ABOUT PAST REGRETS AND MOVE ON. Act as if nothing happened? Yeah, I'll actually try that.