De Veritate et Religione

Truth. Such a simple thing to desire for, yet such a resilient thing to attain. While I read articles, comments, videos, etc on religion and faith, all I wanted to find was truth. Absolute truth. Just when I thought I had something worked out and convinced myself I had the truth, I was blown away by the numerous valid counter arguments. Why is it so hard to find truth?

Background
I was raised by a devout Christian family who raised me well. As a result, from the beginning, I had a bias towards Christianity. But ever since I got my first taste of atheism through one of my best childhood friends, I've always been toying with skeptical thoughts even while keeping my Christian status.
When I was enrolled to a Christian high school, I was taught numerous things about Christianity that convinced me of the truth of Christianity. Not only did the school teach me about Christianity, they also introduced other concepts such as Greek and Chinese philosophy, Islam, Modernism, etc, and how all of those are inferior to Christianity. I loved it. I took to the internet, to forums and video comments as a Christian apologist. Here was my first experience with a lot of people all having different opinions and perspectives. It was also the first time I got exposed to specific topics such as evolution, old earth vs young earth creationism, big bang theory, etc. I jumped in convinced that I could convince them with the arguments that I had, but the more I tried and failed, the more I got frustrated and eventually I quit having religious discussions. However, my faith would never be as strong again because their opposing arguments got to me and made me doubt some of the things I had been taught. I was only around 14.
For the next few years, religion would play a secondary role in my life. Although I kept going to church (mostly cause of my parents), wrote nice Christian journals (cause I know the Christian worldview very well), sang in the worship team, and even got rebaptized, I don't think it had ever truly come into my heart (at least to the same extent as some of my peers).
Then university happened. In America. Basically, the intellectual climate of college got me back into serious thought on the nature of religion and faith. I wanted to find truth, undisputable undeniable unarguable truth. Long story short, I couldn't find it. I couldn't find a set of beliefs that I could defend from all of its critics. No religion seemed to be free from flaws. Eventually I gave up trying and convinced myself that as humans we cannot know 100% truth because only God can comprehend 100% truth. I wrote an introspective song about what I should do with this newfound belief. Should I settle for the mystery of never knowing 100% truth and live my whole life without convictions? Or should I settle for Pascal's Wager and have a faith that's based on chance? For me this was a pivotal moment and my next decisions would be heavily influenced by discussions I've had with my family.

Decision
My grandpa said that life is hard enough as it is so why bother thinking too much about things beyond humans. He became a Christian solely for practical purposes at first (only because he couldn't read Arabic!), but since converting all he could see were blessings for his family. My mom said that if I only think of religion in terms of rationalism, then I truly will never find truth. There has to be an element of faith.
Based on this, I feel that I should give faith another shot. I feel like I've gone as far as I can with trying to rationalize everything and it gave me no answers. Maybe by leaving that mindset I can have a peace of mind and maybe, just maybe, even get closer to knowing truth. It feels strange to me to leave behind the ardent rationalizations that I've gotten accustomed to and instead try to look things through a faith perspective.
However, despite this decision, there are still some questions that haven't been answered yet. I've decided to give faith another shot...but faith in what? A supreme creator or an infinite nature? Why should I be a Christian and not a Muslim, etc? To answer these questions, I looked to Pascal's Wager and the law of the path of least resistance.
Pascal's Wager states that believing in a god is always preferable than believing in no god because if we believe in a god and he is actually real, the reward will be infinitely good while if we believe in a god and he isn't actually real, there is nothing to lose. In contrast, if we don't believe in a god and he is actually real, the punishment will be infinitely bad while if we don't believe in a god and he isn't actually real, there is nothing to gain. Other than Pascal's Wager, I accept other arguments for the existence of a god such as Aquinas's Quinque Viae and the argument of design.
So I believe in a god but why am I a Christian not a Muslim or Hindu? Simple. Because I was raised Christian and my whole family is Christian. Path of least resistance. Why convert to something else when you're not even sure of the undeniable truth of that other religion? My dad gave me a book written by a Christian who converted from Islam and talked about all the arguments against Islam in favor of Christianity. It's a good book but even my dad acknowledged that perhaps other books who take the exact opposite stance could theoretically be just as convincing. This goes for all religions. I, like my mom, accept that it is futile to try to prove which religion is more true than another religion because again, humans can never know 100% truth because only God knows 100% truth. Since I don't actually think that any religion is perfect and converting to another religion would just be a hassle, I'll just go through my life following the one I grew up with.
This means that I'll stay as a Christian and try to be a good Christian without imposing my beliefs on other people, not because of blind faith (typing this is painful because Jesus loved children's blind faith), but because of practicality. Slightly contradictory but whatever.

Berahi Jasmani (original song)

So...this is one of my edgier songs...and it has exactly the opposite theme as another edgy song of mine called "I Don't Wanna..." Let me tell you the story of how the song was born.

First of all, I composed the tune way before the lyrics. The tune was inspired by Autumn Voyage, one of my favorite songs from Runescape, an MMORPG I used to play a lot. I took its chord progression and composed my own melody. For my own melody, I took influence from the dangdut genre of Indonesia which I happened to be into at the time.

As for the lyrics, I knew that I wanted the song to be sensual (in the style of many of dangdut's hit songs). I...kind of did it? I actually had to use an English-Indonesian dictionary, Indonesian thesaurus, and Indonesian rhyme site a lot to make this song (thank God for technology!) cause I didn't know that many sensual Indonesian terms XD. The finished product was, however, was a tragedy about a man of faith who failed to control his sensual fleshly urges. The first verses and chorus detail his internal turmoil while the final chorus tells about how he finally succumbs to the flesh. I quite like the song (unlike my mom).
English translation in (parentheses)

Intro: Em Em7 C/E Em

Chorus 1: Em Am Em Am Em D Em x2
Kuatlah hatiku (Be strong, my heart)
Ku terus berdosa (I keep sinning)
Teruslah tergoda (I keep being tempted)
Membayangkan (Imagining)
Berahi jasmani (Fleshly desire)
Meliputi raga (Covers my being)
Tak bisa bertahan lagi (I can't handle it anymore)

Verse 1: Em Am D Em x2
Rayuanmu, buatku gelisah (Your seduction, makes me excited)
Tatapanmu, sesak aku di dada (Your gaze, I can't breathe)

Pre-chorus 1: C D A#
Tuhan tolonglah aku (God help me)
Kalahkan godaan (Defeat temptation)
Dari para gadis menawan (From captivating women)

Chorus 1

Verse 2: Em Am D Em x2
Sakit hatiku, belum bisa bercumbu (My heart hurts, can't make out yet)
Musnah harapan, bermesra dengan insan (No hope, for intimacy)

Pre-chorus 2: C D A#
Bagaimana caranya (What is the way)
Menyangkal naluri (To deny instinct)
Tuk selingkuh dengan gadis yang murni (And cheat with a pure girl)

Chorus 1

Chorus 2: Fm A#m Fm A#m Fm D# Fm x2

Datanglah ke sini (Come here)

Wanita idaman (The woman that I desire)

Tubuhmu yang telah (It's your body)

Ku bayangkan (That I've imagined)

Berikanlah aku (Give me)

Pesona yang hanya (The passion that is only)

Ada ketika selingkuh (There when we cheat)

Ku Rasa Sudah Lama... (original song)

This is the first song I composed in Indonesian, my native language, though only the verses are in Indonesian, not the chorus. The story is that I had the melody to the chorus with most of the lyrics from a dream, and immediately when I woke up hummed the melody to a voice recorder. Then later that day I actually worked on the song and found that the verse melody I made sounds better in Indonesian so I wrote its lyrics in Indonesian. 

This is another love song (throwback to my roots after a string of non-love songs) except that it has a more pop feel (pop 4 chord progression) rather than my usual ballad feel (Canon in D chord progression). I tried to make the love song with more...generic lyrics (more positivity) but it ended up having themes common to my previous love songs: separation by distance (Verse 1) and regret for past mistakes (Verse 2). I guess I still can't write a love song that's not somehow influenced by my high school crush. Here is the song on my Soundcloud.

English translation in (parentheses)

Verse 1:
Ku rasa sudah lama tak bertemu, dirimu yang ku t'lah lama menanti
(I feel like it's been a while since we've met)
Taukah kau ku s'lama ini menunggumu?
(Do you know that I've been waiting for you all this time?)
Apa kabar bidadari hatiku? Kau lebih indah sejak akhir bertemu
(How have you been angel of my heart? You look even more beautiful than last time)
Tanpamu hatiku hampa mati abadi because
(Without you my heart is dead because)
                        
Chorus:                             
You are the rhythm to my melody (You're the only one I want)
You take my heart up to the skies
You fill my days with happy memories (You're the only one I want)
I know my love will never die
              
Verse 2:
Maafkan bila ku dulu mengganggu, ku dulu seorang bocah yang canggung
(I'm sorry if I bothered you back then, I was just an awkward boy)
Taukah kau ku membesut diri untukmu?
(Do you know I've tried to improve myself for you?)
Banyak gadis datang pergi setelahmu, tapi tak ada yang bisa memikat hatiku s'perti kamu because     
(Many girls came and went after you, but no one could capture my heart like you did because)               

Chorus:

Bridge:
Ti'ap kali kau menyanyi terulang rasa jatuh cinta padamu lagi      
(Every time you sing I fall in love with you again)
Jangan biar masa lalu, menahan kita dari cinta
(Don't let the past hold us back from love)

Mystery (original song)

This song, written in June 2015, is my first "spiritual" song. Hearing "Sebelum Cahaya," a song by Letto, with its spiritual-sounding music inspired me to make a song with its music to my own lyrics. So I'm not sure if this would be called a cover or original, cause it's somewhere in between -- original lyrics, unoriginal melody. 
Anyways, I was really inspired when I made this song because I completed it in only a few hours, meaning that the lyrics really meant something to me. It's basically about the realization that as humans it is literally impossible to know the answers to all the big questions in the world. It is about the realization that there are two choices one is able to make: (1) to settle for the fact that we can't know anything for certain but in turn live a life without convictions full of skepticism, or (2) to gamble on God (Pascal's Wager), believing that He can explain everything but in turn have a faith that's based on chance. Here is the song on my Soundcloud.


To the tune of "Sebelum Cahaya" by Letto

Verse 1:
A world of mystery, oh how I've sought to understand
the answers to the great unknown
I turned to ancient texts, I turned to scientific thought
But neither could explain it all

Refrain:
Do I settle for the mystery? And live a life without convictions?
Just floating in the wind, not knowing where to go
Or do I settle for the wager? Have a faith that's based on chance?
And hope that God is there for me

Verse 2:
If you are listening, God, please guide me in my quest
to live a life of righteousness
I wanna be a godly man, I wanna have a faith that stands
But deep down I'm not satisfied

Solo

Refrain:

Verse 1*:
A world of mystery, oh how I've sought to understand
the answers to the great unknown
I turned to ancient texts, I turned to scientific thought
But neither could explain it all

Refrain*:
Do I settle for the mystery? And live a life without convictions?
Just floating in the wind, not knowing where to go
Or do I settle for the wager? Have a faith that's based on chance?
And hope that God is there for me

I Don't Wanna...(original song)

Ok guys, so this song's pretty crazy. Wrote it October 24, 2015. It's my first song that's out of the love ballad genre, leaning more towards a fast rock style, and the lyrics are crazy (at least in my opinion). It's about the daily struggles of seeing the things you're not supposed to do and how to cope with it. It's about struggling to stay pure (essentially a less humorous more condescending version of "Honey I'm Good." Recording coming soon on my Soundcloud.

Verse 1:
This is the age of temptation
You can't escape the sin that's all around you
Especially if you're still a young one
When you're all alone without your mom and daddy

You will have some friends who aren't worthy
They will give you bad advice and make you do some naughty things
So you just have to be strong and know your limits
Gotta know the words to say when shit gets tough

Refrain:
I don't wanna have sex with you
I don't wanna get sick tattoos
I don't wanna smoke cigs with you
I don't wanna get fake ID's

I don't wanna do stupid things that I'll regret someday so I am kindly refusing your offer
I don't wanna have sex with you
I'm an old-fashioned man, I'm waiting for marriage

Verse 2:
This is the world that we live in
Short-sightedness and instant gratification
They don't see a future past death
They just do everything that makes them feel good

But we know the reward is worth the wait
There'll be great rewards for those who keep their moral standards
So you gotta stay pure and keep the end in mind
Gotta know the words to say when shit gets rough

Refrain:
(Same except last line: I value my marriage.)

Bridge:
I know that it's hard to live so righteously, you will feel alone sometimes
Nobody's perfect so don't be too sad if you fall to sin sometimes
There's forgiveness in store for those who ask for it and promise to sin no more
Still you gotta remember what to say when the devil tries to tempt with worldly things

Refrain:

Not Yet (original song)

I made this song a year ago right before I left Indonesia for the States. The lyrics are pretty self-explanatory. Haven't made a recording of it yet but I can assure you that it will be coming soon on my Soundcloud. It'll just be a simple play through of the song with either a piano or guitar accompaniment (haven't decided which sounds better for this song). Stay tuned for more songs!

Verse 1:
Wind is blowing gently
Sunshine on my face
But I can't escape the thoughts of you

You were always there girl
Each and every day
You're my sunshine and you're my best friend

Pre-chorus 1:
But if I say that I love you
There's nothing else that I could really do
We are too young to face the consequences of love
So here and now I say

Chorus:
It's not the time to say those words.
It's not the time to make it worse.
My heart will know in time, what I should or shouldn't do
I'm leaving, so it's just not the time

Verse 2:
All the things we've been through
Meant so much to me
But I have to leave them all behind

Yes, the distance hurts me
But it has to be
I'll surely miss you when I'm far and gone

Pre-chorus 2:
That's why I couldn't say that I love you
There's nothing else that you could really do
I want someone who'll always be there caring for you 

But I just have to leave 

(Chorus)

(Instrumental Solo)

Pre-chorus 3:
And when I come back before too long
We'll have the chance to see the wrongs
That we are meant to love each other all along
But still it's not the time

(Chorus)

University!

Hello readers! Boy it's been a while since I've posted here. If you can't tell by the title, I am a university student! Or rather...I have been a university student since last summer. Yeaah...I have been SUPER busy last year so I had absolutely no time to write anything here. Anyways, let me tell you guys that a LOT of things have happened.

About America:
Let's first talk about what I think about America. I like it! I like the peace and quiet of the small conservative town of Valparaiso that has everything I need to live -- food, shelter, shopping marts, community, and movies. The people are super friendly. There's even a free bus service for uni students like me to take me everywhere around town! However, some of the things I will never get used to is using Fahrenheit instead of Celcius and using English units instead of Metric units. Other than that, everything here is mighty fine.

Dorm Living:
Living in a dorm proved to be more pleasant than I thought. Each floor and building has its own kind of community so I'll never feel like I am alone. Of course, I have to do my own laundry but there are free washing machines so I'm just fine and dandy here. My roommate is from Wisconsin and he's pretty cool I guess. He's a music major who can play the cello, guitar, and piano. He has a kind of morbid obsession cause he wants to be a funeral director when he grows up and music is only for his free time. Also because he says that he "gathers positive energy from negative music," meaning that he almost always listens to depressing music. He's pretty cool though and we can talk about everything.

Food:
As for the food here, it's pretty nice and diverse, but the healthy ones are so damn expensive! More than $6 for every meal? Crayy. And the cheaper ones are all fast food! No wonder Americans are obese. No really it's true; a lot of Americans are obese, especially the locals. As a result though, I am now cooking my own food! I guess expensive food is a blessing in disguise then :) I'm still a noob at cooking though, only cooking really simple stuff like rice, eggs, pasta, and microwavable stuff, but i'll get better with time!

Community:

There are not many Indonesians here at all. There is only one other Indonesian student who I'm friends with and he's already a senior, meaning that he's leaving next year. There are also two Indonesian faculty members, meaning that mereka udah tante-tante. They're very friendly and they have families living here, but that's it. No more Indonesians. *sigh* I guess this is what they meant when they said that I'm going to experience American culture here. 

However, there are many international students, most of them Indian, Chinese, and Saudi. Of course, many random Chinese people approach me, thinking that I'm Chinese -__-.  Anyways, I'm involved in the international student organization and I even got a board position next year! 

Academics:

When my counselor told me that this school has a challenging program, they weren't kidding. I'm doing fine...but...it's just that...I keep on taking too many courses. Out of the 18 credits we're allowed to take each semester, I keep on taking them all. Most people take only 13-15 because that's already a pretty packed schedule. Furthermore, I'm taking FOUR online courses for summer. Yup, I basically have no summer vacation. I told myself that this sacrifice is all so that my last uni years will be less stressful, but sometimes I think I'm way too ambitious.

Love:

No need to mention this lah, dating is definitely not on my priority list right now. However, I'll mention that there are seems so be prettier girls on average here. I'm not sure though, maybe it's only cause people here show a lot of skin. I think I'll quote a funny but true quote by good friend of mine here, "It's not fair -- all the hot girls here are taken!" As for me, no one really captured my heart just yet, by previous standards. 

I'll be keeping up to date with my other thoughts cause I'm hoping to have a lighter year next year, so I can blog more! Yayy!